Grief is weird and never-ending.

I was standing in front of the Jewish cooking section of my mom’s cookbook collection. The Jewish holiday season snuck up on me as usual, I’m excited for it and dreading it in equal measure.

I picked through a couple of books to flip through and carried them up to my apartment, thinking about how the grieving process is so weird in its ebbs and flows, never-ending. There are dates that I will obviously miss her - the day she passed, her birthday, my birthday. The wedding anniversary shared between my husband and I, and my parents, February 9th.

Then holidays like Rosh Hashanah will come up and I’ll be missing the days when she’d call me and say “it’s Rosh Hashanah, the work day is done, come over for a glass of wine, cheese, and apples.” Or on Halloween when she’d text me saying, “I know you’re going out, but can you stop by so I can see your costume?”

Grief is like a little thread that dances through everything, stitching together timelines, sitting just below the surface of everyday life. It’s there in the good and there in the bad and there in the monotonous.

Life Lately

Lately I’ve been spending more time reading and drawing.

When I was in undergrad and hoping to change my area of study from biology to illustration and design, I took the advice (so many gave me this advice) that I can always maintain creative hobbies and stay in the sciences professionally. Sometimes I kind of regret taking that advice, I firmly believe the sciences can be embraced as a hobby as well - especially some natural sciences. Regardless, I feel like it’s been really challenging to make enough time for my creative hobbies over the years.

For the couple of years I’ve been trying to prioritize making time for things like drawing, crochet, painting, and writing. Even if I can only make time for some doodles, making and taking that time is important.

For the last few months I’ve entirely cut out working overtime in the lab and it’s given me so much more time to do the things I actually enjoy. I’ve been drawing more, I’m re-learning how to use Photoshop and learning how to use Illustrator and Figma. I’m building on my current functional-beginner level in web design languages like HTML and CSS (I like to think that I’m not a true beginner, but I still need to look things up all the time, I like to consider myself functional-beginner because I still need to look things up all the time).

I’ve been reading two books at any given time - usually one self-help or educational and one fiction/non-fiction/novel for entertainment - and I’m actually finishing them again.

I really want to keep this going and I hope that I can build on it. While I’d still love to change my career, these lifestyle changes are feeling pretty good for the time being. I’m excited to learn about the things that I enjoy most in my free time.

The Things I Restock

I love watching favorites videos on YouTube, but I feel like so many of them are full of new product. The “favorites” or “top-shelf” videos that I enjoy the most are those that involve a regular restock. I think it’s super telling when someone shares the thing that they keep buying over and over again, or the thing that they’ve loved for years, not just a week or two.

So I gave some thought to the things that I’ve loved for a very, very long time and have already repurchased multiple times over. It’s the kind of thing that if I use it up or lose it, I’m buying a replacement pretty much immediately.

1. Tower 28 Sunny Days tinted sunscreen - I think that I’ve been using this for upwards of three years and this is probably my third or fourth tube of it. The color match is perfect (I’m a Melrose), it sits on my skin in an effortless and natural way, and evens out my skintone without completely changing my face. I tried switching it up for a few other brands and keep coming back to this.

2. Mezcla bars - I especially love this flavor, Japanese Matcha Vanilla, but I’ve liked every flavor I’ve tried. This is my #1 superstar grab-and-go bar when I don’t have time to think about breakfast but need to eat something with my coffee en route to work. I buy another mixed-box every time I run out, I wish that they sold these at Costco because I’d buy the bulk size.

3. Nécessaire’s The Body Lotion - I’m almost done with my second tube of this body lotion and will absolutely be buying a third. Every time they have the little trial/travel size bottles in the Sephora beauty bazaar I cash in some points for the minis as well. This body lotion feel amazing, sinks in quickly, isn’t greasy or oily, and is truly unscented. Honorable mention to their body wash, which is one of my only splurgy replacements for the next item on my list…

4. Basis soap - This stuff is classic. It’s perfection. Affordable, less plastic waste than most bottles of body wash, makes my sensitive skin happy, perfect transportability for travel, and a simple and soapy smell (no heavy fragrance)… it’s just the best. At ~11 bucks for six bars it’s a bargain, and I’ve only had to repurchase once because six bars last me a nice long while.

5. Farmacy Honey Butter Lip Balm - This balm is (pun intended) chefs kiss. Part-way through my first tube of it, I lost it and within 24 hours went out to buy two replacements. It is hands-down my favorite lip balm that I’ve tried in a long time. Love the smell of beeswax, so having it right beneath my nose feels like an absolute delight and it isn’t sticky or oily (I am decidedly not a lip oil person for daily-wear).

6. Smints Breath Mints - This is a childhood throwback that I’m still in love with as an adult. I buy these by the box, they’re hands-down the best breath mints ever. The dispenser is clean in a way that I love with its little push button on top dispensing one mint at a time out of the bottom. Smints give Altoids a run for their “curiously strong” money, and they’re tiny. I have them in pretty much every bag that I own, in my desk drawer, in the car… everywhere. Sometimes they’re a pain to order online, but that’s why I buy them by the box and it’s always worth it to me.

At least half of these favorites can be found in my bag on any given day (Mezcla bars, honey butter lip balm, and smints) and all six are used on a daily (or near-daily) basis. They’ve all been repurchased one or more times, and will all be repurchased again. These are the favorites that I love seeing from other people as well.

Life Lately

The other day I was talking with a friend about the early days of YouTube and social media. I was mentally yoinked back to the days of Tumblr (back when tumblarity was still a thing) and, before that, LiveJournal (the original, where I would spill my guts and share all about my day as a 13-16 year old complete with the perfect emoji to indicate my “mood”). It honestly left me wishing for that kind of real-time “journaling”-like blogging again.

Maybe with less TMI details, but something to look back on and reflect where I was compared to where I am.

Lately, life has felt super up-in-the-air. I wish that I could slow down for more than a weekend here and there. I wish it were possible to take some kind of a gap year (or even half-year!) to figure things out, like some do either before or after college. Alas, the bills, responsibilities, and need for health insurance are very different in your mid-30s than your early 20s.

I’ve been fully rejected for both my dream job and all lower-level positions that may help me someday reach my dream job and I’m burnt out from applying. At this point I just want to find a whole new career, one that might suit my life and interests a bit better, but I don’t know what that might be anymore.

We’ve essentially abandoned our home search - not only because everything is beyond anything we could possibly afford, but even while looking at homes beyond our means, they’re not the style we’re interested in. Our old little apartment suits us fine for now though, and we can still afford it.

So many of the homes for sale around us have been renovated in the same cookie-cutter way, either with additions or full demo-remodels that have extended the cute bungalows that once were to the very edge of the property. There’s nothing wrong with this kind of home if it’s what you want, but it isn’t what we want and it isn’t our style. Sometimes I worry that my ideal home will cease to exist, that they’ll all be changed instead of restored, if I don’t hurry up and find it.

I’ve been trying to focus on all of the good I have around me… I’m honestly grateful for the apartment we have, in its prime location with rent control. We can’t own it, but we enjoy it immensely. While I wouldn’t say that I’m happy with my job right now, I am happy with my health insurance and I’ve been trying to make the most of the time I do have off. I’ve tried over the past year to spend as much time as possible outdoors, going for more hikes, walks at the beach, and trips to the lake in the Adirondacks.

I’m grateful for my family, my cats, and our new superstar pup named Paco who came into our lives just when we needed him the most.

Shifting focus like this really does help me amidst a world of feeling lost. Indulging in simple pleasures like an amazing candle or splurging on the nicer bottle of wine instead of the cheaper option can make the day-to-day feel special as well, as material and superficial as that may sound.

Museums Are Super Perfect Date Spots

...and no one can tell me otherwise. Mind you, I've never been in the "dating scene" before, really. Regardless, my partner and I love going to museums together (and he isn't really the artsy-type dude, either).

Museums are one of the best places to get to know each other; from prompting compelling discussion, to the quiet and sometimes cozy atmosphere. 

Does your partner prefer the modern art exhibits, or would they rather see some old-school Flemish paintings? Maybe they're more into sculpture, or maybe you can show them why you love sculpture so much.

It's the perfect place for hand-holding and getting close. There's lots of walking and wandering, pauses to put an arm around one another; there are whole empty sections and rooms filled with nothing but artwork, even in the most popular of museums.

Some have the added benefit of a nearby slice of gold to snag a cocktail or a bite to eat. For example, the Met has their Roof Garden Bar, or the museums in DC have the bonkers lineup of food trucks at the Washington Mall.

There's a museum for everyone: into dinosaurs? Visit the American Museum of Natural History. Love music? Maybe check out the EMP Museum in Seattle. If you're fascinated by serial killers or true crime, there's a Museum of Death in New Orleans and Hollywood. The Field Museum in Chicago is one of the largest museums of natural history in the wold!

Many art schools have student exhibits, sometimes they're even free! Some museums are surrounded by beautiful gardens to take a stroll through.

Museums are everywhere, large and small. Begging for people to come through and see all they have to offer.

Museums can evoke feelings within all of us... we all interpret displays differently. That kind of makes it especially beautiful though, right? Discussing different perspectives really makes the world go 'round! It's a beautiful thing.

Love and Prosecco in New Orleans

When you're traveling with a significant other, things can get a little bit tense at times.

I have a friend who insists that surviving your first major trip together is a huge milestone.

While I stand by the theory that New Orleans is easily one of the most romantic and charming cities in the United States, timelines and itineraries can add tension to any scenario. With gas-lit street lamps, gorgeous and intricate wrought-ironwork, and some super dreamy smooth jazz, it's easy to feel like you're on cloud nine.

BUT. With a bustling Bourbon Street, a swingin' Frenchmen Street, crazy sites to see and happening places to be, it's easy to feel rushed. See the galleries, go to this place for this music, go that place for that band, try the rich and heavy food here and there and everywhere. Things can get overwhelming and, quite frankly, exhausting.

Here's something to add to your itinerary: a blocked-out section of time to do nothing. 

Spend part of an afternoon lounging around in bed. Put on that super comfy legging-sweater combo that you packed but didn't think you'd have time to wear. Invest in some quiet reading time, or just time to sit and talk for a while.

Make yourself feel a little fancy, look a little stylish... whatever that means to you. Take your time getting ready. Maybe no one else will see your makeup or your skirt that night, but there's something kind of refreshing about getting dressed up for your significant other and no one else.

Pick up a bottle of Prosecco; or maybe red wine if the weather is chilly enough. Find a comfy place to sit on a patio in a courtyard, or by a fireplace; wherever you're staying. Enjoy each others company.

Goodness knows you've spent the last two or three days enjoying the company of the other hundreds-to-thousands of people you've crossed glances, accidentally bumped shoulders, and exchanged small-talk with.

Maybe you'll have a lot to talk about, maybe you'll have nothing to talk about... but having nowhere to be and nothing to do, is so necessary sometimes.

While I might be the least qualified person to give legitimate relationship advice (is anyone legitimately qualified to give relationship advice, though? like... everybody is different...), I think that the quieter times on vacation together make everything seem a whole lot sweeter, significant more serene, and definitely more memorable.

(Plus... doesn't mean you can't go out later; especially while in New Orleans, after all.)